How do you heal from something that keeps happening?

because I am not. I’m not healing. I continuously say that I am and I keep working on it.

But it’s not healed.
It’s not fxcking working.

I’m changing but that wound hasn’t. I’m growing but that wound is still there. I’m learning but that wound…it likes to remind me that I’m not healed. I can look at it once a week and know that it’s still there and it isn’t getting better. Even when it feels like it’s mended, it’s not.

Because it keeps happening. I feel like the only thing left to do is.. run.

I just want to run and I won’t stop running.

I want to run. But, you’re holding my hand. I want you to hold my hand. I want it so bad but when you hold my hand, your other hand hurts me. It lies to me and it hurts my wounds. Pulling at it, infecting it and you’re just not letting me get better. You’re not helping me get better.

I am tempting myself with an escape. Oh, a sweet escape.

Please, let me escape and not feel for a few hours. Just a few hours.. or can I bargain a few days? I would do a lot to reach that point. God, I would pay a lot to step into the presence of not feeling this ever again.

It’s been rough.
I’m having a rough time.

It will reach that point where I question if it’s worth cutting off. Should I just cut off this appendage? Because that’s what you are to me. You are a part of me.

Yes, it will hurt but is it at that point?
Yes, it will be missed, but is it worth it?
IS it better to live without a part of me than to suffer with it wounded?

Can you just stop holding my hand like this?

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Nothing is wrong with you. 

Nothing is wrong with you. Everything’s absolutely perfect. 

Take time for yourself.

Not time for you to go out or anything like that. I mean, take time to meditate and pull yourself back together. 

 What you are going through… is just a simple and minor self detachment.

Take some time out to bring your trinity to start working as one again. 

You know how to do it. 

You’ve been doing it all along.

This breakup

It’s just so redundant to even say it. It’s not unique. It just isn’t.

I would say that 95% of the time I feel great. I’m just doing my own thing and you can’t ask for more than that, right?

 Wrong.
It’s that 5%. What good is 5%, if it feels like 100% when I’m in it? What good is it to feel down only some of the time but when that “some of the time” rolls around it’s like I’m being drowned and pulled by an anchor.

Anchor. You were my anchor. 

Why did I let you be that much of me? I trusted you so much.  Some could argue too much.
SIX YEARS. 

As I sit here, typing away and avoiding my emotions in my outward appearance, I can’t help but think what this is doing to the inner me. My mind. It’s full. It’s full of so much shxt and it’s weighing down on me. Like….ha, an anchor.

If my outward appearance looked anything like what I’m feeling right now, you’d see a 16 year old girl thrown on her bed, sobbing in her self-diagnosed depression, listening to the saddest of songs and wallowing in the worst of thoughts. There would be rocking back and forth and screaming into pillows. There would be thoughts of anger. Yes, I’m angry with myself. Why would I let you in!! That’s what the walls were for… We know this. I knew better. 

I put these walls up to keep people out, not just anyone in particular..people. I do it because I know myself, I know I’m flawed. (And I don’t want to hear how everyone is flawed because even if it’s true, that doesn’t matter to me.) I do it because I know that I’m hard to love. (I don’t care that everyone else is hard to love too. Because who is the one who sits in my mind when I feel REJECTED?!? Me.)

Love is an action and you’ll have to constantly work at it. And who is truly good enough for that? None of us! We don’t even deserve it. None of us do… So why would I be any different?

I do it because I know people leave people when it gets hard. And not just in the physical way but have you ever been “left” emotionally? It’s like talking to a corpse or hugging a mannequin.

 No warmth. 

I don’t know which is worse but I know that they both exist. I’ve felt them both so deeply.

So, I put these walls up and I built them high. They’re not just protection for me but I’ve also convinced myself that they are protection for you… 

Did you know that? I was protecting you…from me. I didn’t want you to see the flawed side…or the ugly side. I wanted you to be comfortable and confident that it wasn’t your burden.

Let alone, you still tried to convince me. You still acted on breaking down those walls. It was a mission, a conquest. You worked and worked at it. It was the simple things here and there, a sweet message from you, an embrace that felt too genuine to ignore, a chivalrous action, a handwritten note, a debt covered that couldn’t even be repayed, a simple phrase of true endearment and proof of concious notice of my quirks, a handmade rose, a smile that carried warmth and comfort. Yeah, I got comfortable with you. 

The walls started to come down and I even started to help you take them down. As you whispered in my ear, that you were different and that you would be worth it. You whispered about our future, you comforted me about my past and you assured me that you were here with me, right now in the present. It was the confidence, the confidence that you had had all of the intentions in the world to care for my heart. It was the determination that you had to take down the walls and to help build something together. It was the connection and passion that we shared, how could this ever go away? 

So, you finally broke down the walls and you saw all of me. Down to my deep core and removing all of the veils. You saw the flawed me but you had already gained your conquest. That was all that I had, all I had to give. It was just me. 

It wasn’t enough for you. 

So, your eyes started to wander elsewhere and your mind was full of other things.

And your heart… I don’t even know where your heart truly lies.

 I’d like to think that you just got lost. 

I’d like to think that you’ll come back. 

 I’d like to think that this was only a small chapter in our story. A dark one but nonetheless, a chapter whose page eventually gets flipped over. “Added dramatic effect” maybe Ha.

 I’d like to think that all of my fears that I avoided and pushed under the rug were not creeping up on to me right now. 

I’d like to think that everything that meant something to me didn’t mean nothing to you.

So this, this is my 5%.

And like I said, 95% of the time..I’m completely fine but this, this 5%. It feels like 100% when I’m in it. 

I can’t get on board with people being treated unfairly in the workplace

I just can’t.

It makes no sense why ONE person can get all of the second chances in the world and another is treated harshly. On one hand, you can choose someone who is loyal but instead you leave them out on side of the road and show them none back? The other hand someone has messed up, receives forgiveness and mercy from you? Why?

It’s disgusting.

And how can I work for a company that promotes this behavior?

Uncomfortable.

I am so uncomfortable, I feel like I am wearing an oversized sweater and I just can’t take it off.

Why? Why go through the effort to tell the entire company that gossip is wrong and that we should be a family culture and then leave someone out like this? Fire them with no remorse? Push him out as if he didn’t deserve better treatment? I watched him work so hard for this career. In ways that others would not sacrifice themselves, even myself.

Baffled.

I am just mind boggled at how this took place and so quickly. It feels sneaky and disgusting and I am wearing it EVERY DAY that I walk into this place.

I am helping create business for a business whose culture, I DON’T support. It feels like betrayal. I thought this company worked differently. I thought that we were actually looking out for each other.

I want to say something. I want to say something so bad.

It’s just not my place.

I talk and vent to my family and friends. They all tell me to stay out of it. They tell me that I don’t know the whole story. They tell me that it’s not my business.

But, how?

How is it not when all of my efforts and time goes to this company?

& when they all turn against you, try not to look the other way

This is my life right now. Challenge after challenge. Obstacle after obstacle. Being tough…resilient.

All of these events are testing me, pressuring me and pushing me into a realm of learning to fully TRUST in Our Creator. To trust that I have the strength to overcome anything that’s flying my way.

That’s what it feels like. I am just strolling along carrying my things to my next destination and it’s as if someone walked up and just throws it on the floor. Then someone else walks up and kicks it all down the road and as I am about to run over to gather everything, someone trips me. Now, I am on the floor and I am about to dust myself up and it starts pouring rain.

With the recent decisions and the paths chosen in my life, I definitely feel alone.


& in a questionable but endearing turn of events, it’s actually made me feel stronger. I have to do this. I HAVE to stick up myself. I HAVE to push on and make magic happen. Noone else is going to do this.


Everyone is technically out for themselves by nature. We train ourselves to love and learn how to love each individual in our lives by the way that they prefer. That takes action, practice and conscience decision. However, we all falter. Which in turn means that at any given point in time, the close loved ones that you have can “turn on you”. Why? Because they may go to their second nature, which is again, looking out for themselves. That’s where people get hurt. People get hurt in the core of selfishness. We don’t mean to do it but sometimes we do.

So, now that that is said. Sometimes, you really are on your own. One human being tackling the world. Fighting for yourself and we all have that innate ability inside of us to prosper against the rules, the odds and the obstacles that have come our way. Fight for yourself. Do what it takes. Get dirty, get real and learn more about what you’re willing to do when it’s flight or fight.

When they all turn against you, you had better be prepared to fight.

Advice: Circa 2012

Recently, I was at an event with my dad and he was talking to me and another person and he started to talk to this person about me. He said, “One of the things that I admire about her is that she listens to advice.”  He then began to share a story of a time that I really took consejo.
Back in 2012, a guy that I knew from high school was harassing me and constantly reaching out via texts and phone calls. I, one day, called my dad and expressed the concerns that I had and he told me one thing, ” If you really want this to stop, change your number.”

Now at the time, I was in my teens and I felt like drama always followed me. This didn’t even come to me as a solution because I was allowing it. Drama didn’t just follow me everywhere, I was allowing it to. HA! I was just letting the drama happen.

What he said really resonated with me.

“IF you really want this to stop”

Just that part alone puts this into perspective!

(So, I changed my number and never had to deal with harassing boy and his shxt again.)

My dad closed with saying that he left my old number in his phone and has it saved as “Lorena from 2012”. He said to him it’s symbolic of how I take advice to improve myself but also it’s when I learned that sometimes it’s changing ME and not trying to change everyone around me.

So, I say this, because I think someone may need to hear this.

This was sparked from my built up frustration with friends or friends of friends that are avidly talking about leaving Las Vegas for “drama” reasons. It’s to the point where I mentally roll my eyes whenever it’s said, because… if you hate the weather, fine. If you hate not living by the beach or living in green, fine. But, drama?

Here’s a slight piece of advice because I have seen it time and time again.

It DOESN’T MATTER WHAT CITY/STATE you live in, drama is in your life because you create it, attract it, invite it and are most likely addicted to it. It WILL follow you.

Blaming Vegas for your drama filled life is just a way of justifying your life and poor choices. If YOUR life “sucks”, it’s because of YOU, your choices, your mindset. Now, I am not the type of person to bring up a problem I see and not give a solution…

Keep positive. Adjust your circle of friends. Switch up your activities. Go climb a mountain. Leave the guy/girl/friend/llama/pillow that is being toxic. Change it up and then you will see results. You will see a change in your life, I guarantee it. Make the person you are now “Circa 2017” and make the new person a person who is surrounded with learning and acceptance of the world around you and the things that life brings us.

P.S. This is also cheaper than moving from state to state.

I’m scared.

Scared to open up.
Scared to feel; tangible or intangible.
Scared to love or to be loved.
Scared to be present.
I’m covered with anxiety. It’s like a rash or a disease. The strength that it takes to cure it is breaking me.
I’m not even fighting for myself anymore. I’m fighting for my friends and family.
If I was fighting for myself, I wouldn’t even be here right now.
But I still fight.
I don’t feel the high on life anymore. I don’t feel the ambition that wakes me up in the mornings. My dreams and aspirations, they don’t excite me anymore.
I just feel a burden. I am a burden.
God help me. I just want to be in love again! In love with the breath of life.
In love with my dreams.
In love with being in love.
I don’t want to exist in fear. I don’t want to be anxious. I don’t want to be broken.
I want to be PRESENT.
My faith has never failed me but my hope has been cast away with my sorrow.
My God knows my heart.
He knows the dark, heavy weight that lays on my chest at night.
He knows the nightmares that suffocate me in my sleep.
But, my God knows the desires of my heart and I dwell in him in my sorrow and in the darkness.
He’s there.
He’s there in my tears.
He’s there in my anger and my resentment.
He’s there in my shame.
He’s there in my humiliation.
But, he’s even there in my forgiveness.
He takes me there and he holds me because he knows I wouldn’t let anyone else.
God, I want to cry out! But I don’t want anyone to see me.
God, I want to scream until my throat burns! But I don’t want anyone to hear me.
I want to be held so close that the world stops spinning but I don’t want anyone to touch me.
I want to speak but I don’t want anyone to listen. I want to hurt but I don’t want to let it come out.
It’s there. It just stays there.
It watches and it waits.
It waits for its chance to come back in.
It does not cave.
And, I keep fighting back.
I’m kicking.
I’m punching
I’m running, I’m running, I’m running.
I get away but just when I stop, there IT is.
IT’S always there.
Will it always be there?
I ask myself and my stomach turns. I’m sick.
That emotion. That feeling. I want to bury it. Sometimes, I dig so deep that I forget about it. But only for a while until it crawls back because I know it will be back.
It’s faithful. It’s strong. It’s persistent.
BUT I’m more faithful.
I’m STRONGER.
And I’m RELENTLESS.
I’ll  always come back.