It’s just so redundant to even say it. It’s not unique. It just isn’t.
I would say that 95% of the time I feel great. I’m just doing my own thing and you can’t ask for more than that, right?
It’s that 5%. What good is 5%, if it feels like 100% when I’m in it? What good is it to feel down only some of the time but when that “some of the time” rolls around it’s like I’m being drowned and pulled by an anchor.
Anchor. You were my anchor.
Why did I let you be that much of me? I trusted you so much. Some could argue too much.
As I sit here, typing away and avoiding my emotions in my outward appearance, I can’t help but think what this is doing to the inner me. My mind. It’s full. It’s full of so much shxt and it’s weighing down on me. Like….ha, an anchor.
If my outward appearance looked anything like what I’m feeling right now, you’d see a 16 year old girl thrown on her bed, sobbing in her self-diagnosed depression, listening to the saddest of songs and wallowing in the worst of thoughts. There would be rocking back and forth and screaming into pillows. There would be thoughts of anger. Yes, I’m angry with myself. Why would I let you in!! That’s what the walls were for… We know this. I knew better.
I put these walls up to keep people out, not just anyone in particular..people. I do it because I know myself, I know I’m flawed. (And I don’t want to hear how everyone is flawed because even if it’s true, that doesn’t matter to me.) I do it because I know that I’m hard to love. (I don’t care that everyone else is hard to love too. Because who is the one who sits in my mind when I feel REJECTED?!? Me.)
Love is an action and you’ll have to constantly work at it. And who is truly good enough for that? None of us! We don’t even deserve it. None of us do… So why would I be any different?
I do it because I know people leave people when it gets hard. And not just in the physical way but have you ever been “left” emotionally? It’s like talking to a corpse or hugging a mannequin.
I don’t know which is worse but I know that they both exist. I’ve felt them both so deeply.
So, I put these walls up and I built them high. They’re not just protection for me but I’ve also convinced myself that they are protection for you…
Did you know that? I was protecting you…from me. I didn’t want you to see the flawed side…or the ugly side. I wanted you to be comfortable and confident that it wasn’t your burden.
Let alone, you still tried to convince me. You still acted on breaking down those walls. It was a mission, a conquest. You worked and worked at it. It was the simple things here and there, a sweet message from you, an embrace that felt too genuine to ignore, a chivalrous action, a handwritten note, a debt covered that couldn’t even be repayed, a simple phrase of true endearment and proof of concious notice of my quirks, a handmade rose, a smile that carried warmth and comfort. Yeah, I got comfortable with you.
The walls started to come down and I even started to help you take them down. As you whispered in my ear, that you were different and that you would be worth it. You whispered about our future, you comforted me about my past and you assured me that you were here with me, right now in the present. It was the confidence, the confidence that you had had all of the intentions in the world to care for my heart. It was the determination that you had to take down the walls and to help build something together. It was the connection and passion that we shared, how could this ever go away?
So, you finally broke down the walls and you saw all of me. Down to my deep core and removing all of the veils. You saw the flawed me but you had already gained your conquest. That was all that I had, all I had to give. It was just me.
It wasn’t enough for you.
So, your eyes started to wander elsewhere and your mind was full of other things.
And your heart… I don’t even know where your heart truly lies.
I’d like to think that you just got lost.
I’d like to think that you’ll come back.
I’d like to think that this was only a small chapter in our story. A dark one but nonetheless, a chapter whose page eventually gets flipped over. “Added dramatic effect” maybe Ha.
I’d like to think that all of my fears that I avoided and pushed under the rug were not creeping up on to me right now.
I’d like to think that everything that meant something to me didn’t mean nothing to you.
So this, this is my 5%.
And like I said, 95% of the time..I’m completely fine but this, this 5%. It feels like 100% when I’m in it.