I’m scared.

Scared to open up.
Scared to feel; tangible or intangible.
Scared to love or to be loved.
Scared to be present.
I’m covered with anxiety. It’s like a rash or a disease. The strength that it takes to cure it is breaking me.
I’m not even fighting for myself anymore. I’m fighting for my friends and family.
If I was fighting for myself, I wouldn’t even be here right now.
But I still fight.
I don’t feel the high on life anymore. I don’t feel the ambition that wakes me up in the mornings. My dreams and aspirations, they don’t excite me anymore.
I just feel a burden. I am a burden.
God help me. I just want to be in love again! In love with the breath of life.
In love with my dreams.
In love with being in love.
I don’t want to exist in fear. I don’t want to be anxious. I don’t want to be broken.
I want to be PRESENT.
My faith has never failed me but my hope has been cast away with my sorrow.
My God knows my heart.
He knows the dark, heavy weight that lays on my chest at night.
He knows the nightmares that suffocate me in my sleep.
But, my God knows the desires of my heart and I dwell in him in my sorrow and in the darkness.
He’s there.
He’s there in my tears.
He’s there in my anger and my resentment.
He’s there in my shame.
He’s there in my humiliation.
But, he’s even there in my forgiveness.
He takes me there and he holds me because he knows I wouldn’t let anyone else.
God, I want to cry out! But I don’t want anyone to see me.
God, I want to scream until my throat burns! But I don’t want anyone to hear me.
I want to be held so close that the world stops spinning but I don’t want anyone to touch me.
I want to speak but I don’t want anyone to listen. I want to hurt but I don’t want to let it come out.
It’s there. It just stays there.
It watches and it waits.
It waits for its chance to come back in.
It does not cave.
And, I keep fighting back.
I’m kicking.
I’m punching
I’m running, I’m running, I’m running.
I get away but just when I stop, there IT is.
IT’S always there.
Will it always be there?
I ask myself and my stomach turns. I’m sick.
That emotion. That feeling. I want to bury it. Sometimes, I dig so deep that I forget about it. But only for a while until it crawls back because I know it will be back.
It’s faithful. It’s strong. It’s persistent.
BUT I’m more faithful.
I’m STRONGER.
And I’m RELENTLESS.
I’ll  always come back.

She cried in my arms

She cried in my arms.
I felt her tears running down my own skin. The pain she was releasing from her lungs was so dark,  intense and harrowing, it overcame my own heart.
Her heartbreak became my heart break…
The tears she shed became my own…
That pain cannot be described but can you just try to imagine? Can you imagine someone releasing a cry so agonizing that the sounds were vibrating through your own skin and body? Can you imagine someone bent over in pain that you could feel your own heart clenching onto your own chest? How is this possible? How is it that I could have the heart that you should have had for her?
You always said that you would be there but you weren’t. You were gone. She was in MY arms.
My own sister’s heart, I felt it.
Crushed, in my lap, torn and in such, anguish that she could hardly breathe.
You did this.
Yeah, normally.. I would never say this to someone but you definitely did this. You created this toxic environment for her heart. You poisoned her heart. You weaved it with your words and then sealed this prison with your actions.
I don’t understand.
Why?

This ones for babygirl

This ones for you. Because even though right now you don’t feel like you are.

You are special. One of a kind. Spectacular. Beautiful. Compassionate. Altruistic.

Impossible to recreate.

Deep down, I know you know this but right now, believe it. I’m telling you so that you can start to believe it. I want for you to fully understand that there is not one other person on this Earth that is like you. That is so crazy. Your smile, your dimples, your laugh! There’s only one. Can you really grasp that? This means that no one, no one can take this away from you. No one can make you less of you. No matter what happens, you have left an imprint on this planet and it only gets better. You haven’t even met your full potential. There’s more, so much more. Let’s live in this! This is the new book, with new, blank pages and new paths and new journeys to take. I will be here to hold your hand tight and run with you or to skip or to walk, whatever you need.

“Sisters are for sharing laughter and wiping tears.”  – Author Unknown

Right now, your thoughts may be to compare yourself, to ask, to question and wonder what went wrong.

Why?

Life. Life isn’t fair but it is the “why” and you may never understand. I wish you could and I wish it was a different way but this is a tough experience. This is life, this is just an experience that you will have under your belt. This is a though or a memory that you will look back on and use as an example of something you have overcome. You are tougher than this. You’re strong, you have grit. Show it! Show your resilience and don’t let it go right now! Grab on to the lapels of life and make. it. yours.

“I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.” – Maya Angelou

There is a beauty in growth and also, in letting go. Letting go is something we learn as we grow older. Not everything is meant to be kept. Not every person we meet is meant to stay. That hurts, right? No. What hurts more is hanging on, hanging on to something that is not yours.

There’s a true and secret beauty in letting go.

Caterpillars show us this every day. When they are ready to grow, they get all nice and warm into their cocoon. They spend lots of time with this cocoon. This cocoon is all they have for a great period of time. In fact, they even become ONE with that cocoon. But then, caterpillars shed that cocoon to become butterflies. Do they hold onto the cocoon? Do they sit on the leaf for forever? No! They fly. They literally fly! So, fly, babygirl.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” – Maya Angelou

There is only one last thing to share and it is my favorite verse in the Bible. The truth in this verse is astounding to me. Women were made out of strength and we can tap into this at any time but I notice that we tap into this the most when we go through trial and tribulation. I have surprised myself in these times and you will too. So, hang on to this and meditate on the word ‘strength’.

Because it flows through your veins.

It’s written like a tattoo on your fists.

It’s there behind every action that you make. It is a part of you.

You can take on anything that comes. You are stronger than you can fathom.

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:31

 

Tonight is different

I know it’s ending.

I can feel the last chapter closing in right now.

Every day that passes is another page turned.

 

Your scent, tonight, it’s stronger than other nights.

I am sure it’s because I know that this scent will soon be gone and out of my reach.

Your smile, tonight, I can’t stop staring.

My arm is holding tightly to your bicep for one of the last times.

I can really feel that you are slipping away from me.

Tonight, I am not happy but that’s okay.

Happiness isn’t what I want right now.

For right now…I just want to be strong.

 

“It’s not the end of the world.”

When you’re sad about a break up and someone says, “Just remember, it’s not the end of the world.”

Yeah. The world isn’t ending.

Zombies aren’t coming out of graves.

Apes haven’t taken over every major city, slaughtering the masses with pitchforks and chainsaws.

And…there isn’t an insane chemical warfare causing an apocalypse and the end to humanity.

But you know what? He was a part of my world. For years.

He was on my speed dial and the top of my contacts.

He was my first thought when I was offered a plus one to an event.

He was my valentine’s date for 5 years.

He was my thunder buddy every rainy season. He was my cuddle buddy for every night.

He was the ear when I had a rough day at work for approximately 1,800 days.

He was my world.

So, when you say that it’s not end of the world. You are right. But it is the end of a huge piece of my world.

I may have fallen out of love with who he became and what we are now but that doesn’t take away that I love him. I absolutely love him. So, even though I am being brave and ending it. I can still hurt.

 

 

Lesson #1

Learning to not fix things too much.

Sounds weird but I know I have this habit of trying too hard to fix things. I think it’s because I see things for the bigger picture. (I am a  high”D”personality type in the DISC personality assessment and the older I get, the more I realize the flaws that can come with this.) I see the bigger picture, I can be ambitious enough to set out a plan for that bigger picture, even if it’s 5 years down the line. My problem? Trying to convey the reasoning behind how and why I think this way. I sometimes wish that others could be on the same page with me. I notice that I don’t have many people in my life with the same personality type. Only one comes to mind and that’s my dad. We are very close and that’s great but sometimes I wish I had a peer with the same personality type. Sounds selfish, I know.

Anyways, in the past two weeks I have come to the same issue with two different people. The only thing that is really the same with the two situations, is me… So, this lead me into a long train of thought. What am I doing wrong? What can I change & how can I jump start this into a solution? The thing that I noticed that I do the most is try to fix the problem & find the solution instead of letting someone else do it. It comes so easily to me. Problem solving. I could do it all day, in my sleep, half asleep…maybe even drunk. Why I can’t let someone else do it? Impatience, eagerness to help and also, that whole “bigger picture” thing.

So, here is what I am going to do. The next situation that I am in where there is a problem where someone else can fix it. I am going to tell them. I am going to let them know that I am going to step back unless they ask for my help and I am not going to try to make it into my solution. As far as dealing with my patience, let’s get back to that later.